From: Agent In Place
SitRep: Increased infiltration and subversion of Pattaya Bush Hash likely to undermine current regime and interrupt beer consumption, causing widespread panic and destabilization of the region. Officer
Task: Infiltrate the Bush Hash. Make situation assessment and establish who are the other agents involved. Conduct deep bush training exercise with combined forces.
THIS MESSAGE WILL SELF DISTRUCT IN 6 MONTHS
To: General Officer Commanding BHHB
Codename: Sack Of Shit
On arrival at Run Location, I conducted a quick assessment of the immediate vicinity. I was not alone. Accompanied by Special Ninja Agent No Meat, we were approached on arrival by some suspicious characters known as the ‘Hares’. I made a surreptitious sweep of the perimeter by making several wet markers in the undergrowth. There was no sign of the Hares spoor littering the ground.
El Presidente arrived in his limousine soon after. After disembarking, he proceeded to walk amongst the masses, shaking hands and kissing babies. Though an Aussie Poofter (as illustrated on the PBH3 website), Bam Bam displays a notable lack of sartorial style for a someone batting for the opposing team. This leads me to suspect that he isn’t what he seems, and that he might not in fact be gay after all but cunningly disguised! Other Hashers started milling around. Rather worryingly we spotted the chief intelligence officer of the Norwegian pink tutu brigade (codename PEEV). A man who stands out in a crowd, PEEV openly incited the crowd’s disfavour towards the Bush Master himself who, in spite of calls to get the event started, proceeded to ignore the rising tide of the thing that was rising!
After finally calling a circle and exposing virgins to ridicule, The whole group blundered away from the A-site led by another dodgy character (codenamed Jellobutt) who (considering his swarthy looks) could have middle eastern connections. Jellobutt, clearly on drugs, shot off at a sprint in order to take point. This was not to last long as after 100m or so the rest of the pack overtook him. The trail wound around the tapioca fields below the range of hills to our left. We came too a sudden halt. It was the first check. As the pack scoured the area for signs of the trail, Jellobutt loudly declared that he would secure the area by sitting on the check! Watta guy!!!
American Anal Rape disappeared from sight at some point. This led to widespread concern that he might have found the way forward. In fact, he was scent marking the trail for Mooshagger Special Forces that might be following inconspicuously. The trail was found in an overgrown waterbed and we shot off with Jellobutt pushing everyone out of the way to get to the front. As Jello faded to the back of the pack, I took a moment to survey those around me. A person as GI Joe was immediately of concern. I couldn’t be sure but I believe he could be carrying an incendiary device concealed and disguised as a baby strapped in front. I could be wrong, but we can take no risks, especially as he was perambulating far faster that he should if it were a real baby! I sent Agent No Meat on ahead and away she bounded after the Norwegian Ballet troupe like a leaping gazelle. I stayed with the bulk of the pack, I still wasn’t sure about the political alignment of the Thai Pussy Rangers led by Mrs Head, Colonel and Mamasan of the Ranger Brigade.
We once more arrived at another check. Jellobutt stood guard over it as others went out to find the new trail. This is where I first found evidence of opposing agents manipulating events. I was cunningly directed the wrong way, TAKING ME AWAY from the true trail. I was saved by an American ally codenamed The Tickler who, by means of his satellite guided hi-tech super-annuated GPS in-flight guidance system, directed me back to where Jellobutt should have been guarding the start of the trail. Of course, I think it was The Tickler. I never actually saw him as he blended into the background. It was his disembodied voice I heard that leads me to suspect that he is a very deep undercover spook.
I passed Jellobutt as I regained the back of the pack struggling up through the forested slopes of Mount phukitshott. I could hear coded messages from No Meat ahead and I quickly attempted to scramble up towards her. The Norwegian Troupe could be heard crashing through the jungle ahead while No Meat and I stayed with the French and Dutch representatives. We scaled the slopes and blundered down the other side to emerge onto a well trodden path through the forest. The combatants stepped up a gear and we flew through the trees in hot pursuit of those in front. Another check. As we spread out, Jellobutt ambled in and sat at the check, all the time waiting to see who would call us on first. When the order came, I launched myself after the Dutchman Big Package. Could the name Big Package allude to a bomb of some kind? Where was he concealing this Big Package? Certainly No Meat, who scrutinized him carefully, very carefully actually, couldn’t see any obvious signs why he should be known as Big Package!
The trail went on. I passed Jellobutt not long afterwards. We emerged from deep cover and sped into a hastily prepared refreshment area. One of the ‘Hares’ was waiting for us, all smiles and oozing syrupy charm as he openly grinned at the scarred battered remains of shin skin. It wasn’t long before the Ball ringer and Late Coming Ball Slapper (known as ‘slapper’) joined us as well as numerous other odd looking characters. Jellobutt finally reappeared claiming to have been checking in the opposite direction at the last check.
They suggested that from here the route in would be short and steep. He was right. It was short…..and it was steep! Even before the starting gun had been fired, Jellobutt flew from the assembly to take point. A daring move which saw him go completely the wrong way. As we climbed Mount Phackinell, Jellobutt was past history, faded glory, like peeling paint on an old weathered door. The Norwegians was still strong, as were the British, Dutch and Thai forces. I had instructed No Meat not to draw attention to herself, but to keep the Skandihooligans in sight in front of her. Her specialist training allowed her to shadow the front runners perfectly, lulling them into the belief that they were in fact leading the group. No Meat suggested that she might engage some of her other finely honed skills to bring them down, but I ordered her not to as she might then be tied up for some time.
We descended the slopes to find no clue as to which way to go. The Hares had given no indication as to which way we should proceed. The end point of the exercise was clearly only 300m away and to go straight there would surely mean the exercise had been too short. Agents from all nations milled about in confusion. I took the decision to take the direct route back and stood on a land mine! Pain shot through my ankle and leg. It laced through my body like an extra strong Somtam! Bravely, hardly mentioning a word and gritting my teeth against the searing pain, I hobbled back to the A-site and debriefing.
The general debrief started some 6 hours after the exercise had finished. The Bush Master kept us waiting in the fly-blown wastelands while he strutted around drinking beer and discussing inconsequential rubbish with anyone that would listen to him – even those who wouldn’t. I observed that even a stray dog who was scent marking Anal Rape's leg, soon legged it away when it thought the Bush Master was coming over for a chat! Gay or not….the Bush Master certainly knows how to keep an audience waiting! Before the serious debating could commence however, ample supplies were dished out by the dishy Slapper and her bitch, VV. Well fed and well beered we moved on to the more serious side on the combined forces exercises, the debriefing. By common assent, those more experienced members of the combined cadre understand the motto “do unto others before they do unto you”. Obvious candidates for ridicule were Jellobutt and his son, WHO OPENLY ADMITTED TO BEING RELATED TO JELLOBUTT and that he believed that his father wouldn’t ‘stitch’ him up on the ice! The young are so naïve! At this point, wary of the Norwegian TuTu’s pointing accusing fingers in our direction, No Meat and I made a strategic withdrawal. Carefully, making sure not arouse suspicion, we climbed into our Armoured Personnel Carrier and quietly trundled away in the darkness.
Conclusive Evidence: Extensive observations prove that elements of the Norwegian Ballet Troupe, The Thai Pussy Ranger Brigade, CIA, Dutch Amateur Dramatic Cadre, French Resistance, Belgique Truffle troupe, and MI5, were too drunk to be any real threat to the BHHB High command.
Keep supplying copious amounts of beer at all convenient opportunities. Bam Bam should be supported in office for as long as possible in case Charlie Manson comes back! Well done Hares….A great afternoons fun.
Superior Agent Weedeater (Intel Corps.)
Super Ninja Agent No Meat (Black Ops)