REPORT FOR
Run # 74

“Bush on the Beach” on beautiful Koh Samet island was all about the belittlement of burnt-out bastards - a precarious blend of back-breaking bush bashing, bewildered beach bums, BBQ’s and booze!

I’m a relative newcomer to the Bush Hash and go by the shameful Hash name of Garry Glitter due to my recent move to Bangkok from Siem Reap.  For myself, and my fellow virgin hasher - simply arriving at the assembly point on distant Koh Samet on-time proved challenging however clearly we were not alone regretting the drinking from the night before as the sorry look on many other faces of the A run site mirrored our own regretful feelings. However, true to it’s calling – we were all there and ready to face what was in store from our Hares Pussy Virus and Son Of Bitch!

With the power vested in him by the Bush Master – Pussy Virus swore in the virgins and an eager bunch of bush hashers charged out of Sai Kaew Beach at 2pm sharp howling enthusiastic On On’s in the blazing sun. The first check shortly after however stopped the pack in its tracks.  To the embarrassment of all, the check was “almost” unsolvable as even the most experienced hashers stood scratching their heads pretending to be puzzled (although perhaps more accurately many were already exhausted) and cursing what appeared to be a shocking job of the Hares…….  Of course, the Hares later proved themselves worthy of a truly stunning hash run with all faults and shortcomings appropriately being blamed on the Italian Hash victim (and his PAPA who had absolutely no clue what the hell all these crazies were later doing in a circle toasting ridiculous praises with copious amounts of beer!)  However at this early stage of the run where the pack came to a grinding halt at the first check – blames and down-down strategies were vulgarly thrown about mostly directed at the Hares….

Finally On On! and scenic bays, piers and landscapes lead the pack north around the island with numerous false trails and easier checks before charging headfirst into the dense bush of North West Samet heading on & up.  A satisfying bush bash over the mountain impaled many but eventually and to the complete relief of everyone (if for the stunning views and tranquil location of Ao Prao or simply the sight of cold water, soft drinks, and beer) the group collapsed at the drink stop and imposed it’s vulgarity on the romantic setting.

We could have stayed forever but the prayers of the young couple trying to enjoy a romantic late lunch before the Bush Hash stumbled in were answered, a reluctant On On was called, and the group stumbled forward. 

Another challenging check halted the pack but I proudly eventually found the trail and barrelled forward up the black pipe into the dense bush once again.  The check halfway up demanded that the front runner (me) push forward to investigate with Big Nosed Bastard on my heels egging me on.  I couldn’t see where else the trail could go so I powered forward yelling “checking” like the good young hasher I am!  I think it was at the third solid curtain of thick spider web perhaps a good 400 meters forward and still without paper, I realised no Hare had been this way and turned to voice my concerns and seek reassurance from Big Nosed Bastard.  Naturally he was nowhere to be seen but rather by holding my breath could barely hear the pack on the other side of the mountain moving in a completely different direction.  My cunning shortcut toward the progressing pack wasn’t so cunning and was the cause of excessive bites and cuts but I’m grateful because clawing my way back through the pack from the rear as best I could - I got a unique view of the full demographic that we were.

Eventually catching up to my virgin hash partner, she quietly asked if all these young Thai ladies with these oldies were actually nurses or girlfriends? – at a loss for words I simply clarified that we were infact on the Pattaya Bush Hash.

On On - the pack burst out of the bush to truly breathing taking views of island south and pushed on via a few perfect beaches and confused sunbathers to Wong Duan beach and On-In.  We found heaven there as exhausted hashers arrived, grabbed full beers and stumbled into the ocean fully clothed.  Crass toasts celebrating the conquest of such a challenging hash was a sight to behold disturbed only by the service of Fried Rice and BBQ chicken at which time starving uglies bounced out of the water to scoff mouthfuls of much needed bush tucker and howl in pain with the application of insect repellent to open wounds!

As I recall a heartfelt congratulations to the Hares for a stunning run kicked off the circle.  From everyone there – we offer a special thanks to both Pussy Virus and Son of Bitch for a terrific run!  Other than an official renaming of Thebasthian as Son of Bitch, I recall the circle was really quite simply all about blaming the Italians – I can only imagine the hangover that Assistant Hash Victim Papa felt on Sunday morning – it apparently really was “all their fault!!”.  With the exception of (was it Goldfinger? the trashed and broke Sheep Shagger which I can say as a fellow New Zealander!) shamefully requesting a pretty girl to drink from her new shoe the circle was the usual bundle of laughs and drunken bullshit.

ON ON!

Garry Glitter.