REPORT FOR
Run # 69

Being greeted at the A-site start by hare NO MEAT with the question "do you think you finish the whole thing?" , immediately made me apprehensive when her reply to my rebuttal was "yes, three hours should get ya back!"  Pre-run acitvities became even more intimidating when FUCKING DOG bloodies his head after losing a wrestling match with the down-down table on his truck, PUSSEY ViRUS shows up sporting a fag-pink cast on his ankle from a prior hash injury and GRECIAN 2000 is wearing a Lance Armstrong cycling jersey with a 10 liter water pack on his back!

After instructions from hares NO MEAT and WEED EATER that this would be a three-leg run ( and time estimations were well under 3 hrs total!) we were off...but not for long!  Encountering the first check 5 min into the jog, it took a pack of 30 hounds 10 min to solve!  Back on the trail things got bushy and gained elevation very quickly slowing the anxious participants to a crawl.  This would actually be blessing later as we did conserve a bit of energy but having to hear the constant howl of "are you" from RABID BITCH and SPEEDY GONZALES only one meter behind you is annoying enough to encourage Helen Keller to sprint!  Although the countryside was splendid, the checks got tougher and trail paper erractic evoking comments about hares, ice and medieval-type torture from a normally mild-mannered RINGWORM.  Pack forward runners found the piss and bus 8.7km and 1hr 45min from start!  More than 50% declined further participation....and wisely so!

Being the smallest and most introverted of the remaining hounds, I accepted it as my destiny (and the only means by which I would get back A-site) to attempt the 3rd leg.  With the kind help of the hares on solving the two checks, I set off on my solo journey (as in alone, by myself, sans other people, etc) or at least I thought so until my phone rings about 1km into the trail.  It was ALLAH'S ASSHOLE and 9 other lost souls wanting adice on getting off the merry-go-round (see 2nd leg disaster above!).  This misfortune of other fellow hashers (and thoughts of returning in time for my share of the beer) inspired me to pick up the pace and actully run!  And to my amazement I actully could!  Paper was easy to find and scenery was excellent.  The hares did not lie this time.  Why did they save this one for last (a question as perplexing as the holy trinity itself)?  Despite having to ascend 200 meters in elevation the trail was very forgiving and made for a very pleasant 56 min, 6.6km jaunt back in!

With the words "it's flat and easy, probably about 40 min" falling from the mouth of WEEDEATER, the remaining hounds set off on the 2nd-leg.  The newly elevated spirits of this adventerous bunch was soon dashed as we encoutered the first check 5 min into the run.  Running through the loose sand was tiring enough but having to do it in a cirlcle brought measurable frustration.  In fact, it signaled the end of run for 10 who took more than 1 hour to solve this check!  When confronted with this monumental disaster in trail-setting, NO MEAT conveniently blamed SEAMEN STAINS for having set a run in the area months ago (and not picking up his old paper)!  However, there were an unusually cerebral group of 5 led by BOARDERLINE that managed to navigate their way off the merry-go-round and pick up the "real" trail.  As promised we encountered very big tapiocca fields, more loose sand and a distinct lack of paper on our death march.  Results:  front runners in at point "C" piss 1hr 10 min, 7.2km later.   It was pretty much agreed that this was the end (do the math: 1st leg 1hr 45min + 2nd leg 1hr 10 min = no fucking 3rd leg!), except for the fact that the hares annouced that not everyone could ride back on the piss truck! BIG NOSED BASTARD made it quite clear that he would be on the truck, glaring directly at yours truly.

Upon return to the "A"-site I was greeted by a very somber DIZZY and CHARLEY MANSON who painfully informed me that there was no beer!...piss truck was AWOL!!  What the hell?  Let's do a process check here:  1st leg 1hr 45min + 2nd leg 1hr 10 min + 3rd leg 56min = 3hr 51min without beer and major discomfort for any hasher!  NOT for everyone though!  The bush-debutants KNICKERLESS, DEEP SHAG and NORMAL, were all dolled-up as if preparing for a glamor shot on the cover of the "Harrier" magazine, sipping wine, snacking on brie and wheat thins and appearing to be totally unconcerned with the fate of our lost comrades!  As I joined the remainder of the group to share the agony of withdrawal,  a glint of light from the head-beams of the piss-truck was spotted on the horizon.  As the truck made it's way toward the A-site with 14 bodies stacked from cab to tail-gate, it was a picture very reminiscent a bunch of "Okies" fleeing the 1930's, depression-era dust bowl for California in the movie "Grapes of Wrath" !  Overjoyed to have all back-in and accounted for, the circle began by promptly annointing WEEDEATER as the hash victim (a well deserved honor!).  After that, things really do get fuzzy but I do recall CARE BARE doing a stint as RA in what sounded like Norwegian.....maybe I was still in withdrawal dementia!

On-ON
The Tickler