An excerpt from the Slimey Bogwash Interviews shown on the BBC 9:30pm Tuesday 24th February 2004
Slimey Bogwash (SB): Hello, Good evening and welcome to this weeks Slimey Bogwash Interview. Here tonight, I am happy to welcome Mr. Fuki Nell, Ambassador, statesman and former dictator. Mr Nell, welcome to the show.
Fuki Nell (FN): Thank you Slimey, it is an honour to be here.Applause
SB: I understand that you are here to promote your new book, ‘Great Statesmen and what drives them’. Would you care to tell us what the book is about.
FN: Yes, I am here to talk about my new book, which should be released to book stores soon. Basically it is about some of the greatest rulers and their advisors of modern history, including some current leaders who greatly impress and are widely admired. Their example should be one the common man, and I include you Slimey, in that bracket, can follow in his own life’s path.
SB: Perhaps Fuki – may I call you Fuki – you could give us an example of one of these leaders.
FN: I would be pleased to. I recently attended the PBH3 convention in Thailand. This PBH3 convention was the one designated as LXI and was extremely well attended. The gathering of delegates from many countries around the world converged on a previously agreed meeting ground, to the west of Pattaya. A beautiful place with wide sweeping, panoramic views to the coast. There was only one fly in the ointment to spoil the idyllic position, actually there were many flies, very many flies. In fact there were so many flies there wasn’t actually any room for the ointment. Despite the flies, the organizers of the event (The Belgian delegates being responsible this month – next year they are presidents of the international truffle committee ) had arranged a fact finding tour of the local countryside. The conventions’ current joint presidents, Mr. Seaman Stains and Viscount Weed Eater of Shagwell, gathered together new delegates for a brief orientation speech before heading out into the wilds.
Almost as soon as we set off, there was consternation amongst some delegates. The French ambassador, Monsieur Lunchbox was heard to ejaculate “Zut Alors !! Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you Belgians!!” A German representive, Herr Bushman, was heard to say, “Hein, dieser Belgian dumkopfen know nothing”. The reason for these outbursts Slimey, was because the route we should follow had been laid in pale blue ribbon, tied to grey/blue eucalypt trees and were thus difficult to see. The Swedish representive Mr. Manson, was heard to mutter “another one of Fini’s fuck-ups”, as he strode purposefully back to the hospitality area. Right there and then Slimey, I believed there would be a mutiny. But instead, the implacable and steadfast resolve of Lord Weedy and Stains, brought everyone back together. With calm assurance, the trail was sought out by their leadership and a crisis was narrowly averted. I had heard that the president of the UN learned all his diplomatic skills from Weedy and Seaman Stains, though I can’t confirm this. As a group, we thrashed our way through the undergrowth, Herr Bushman and Mons. Lunchbox often ranging either side or behind the group as they regularly missed the trail. Always they would forge ahead, in the company of the conventions’ leading female advocate, Ms. No Meat. Eventually we emerged from the Eucalypts to survey the rolling plateau of tapioca stems. The leading delegates couldn’t agree which direction in which to proceed, then dispersed in all directions. Again Slimey, the implacable fortitude of Lord Weedy saved the day. His close advisor and right hand man, Herr Faggot Follower, was in close attendance as Lord Weedy led his people across, over, around and through the endless tapioca fields. Slimey, Moses couldn’t have done a better job.
SB: I can see that you were mightily impressed by the presidents of the PBH3, Fuki.
FN: Yes Slimey I was.
SB: Please go on, what happened next ??
FN: Well Slimey, it was hot, damned hot. Mademoiselles Pussy Galore of the French contingent, was just in front of me. She claimed that the hydration bag she carried was full of water. Mlle Galore has the reputation of being an alcoholic, so I seriously doubt it was. The trail was hard to find. We had expected that the Gay Belgians would have laid the trail in Blushing Pink, rather than the insipid blue. There were still incidents of vaguely masked irritation from Herr Bushman and Mons. Lunchbox. As they dashed across the landscape, assisted by the redoubtable Ms. Meat and a Senor Allahs Arrissole, the rest of us panted in the heat while in the shade. I have to say, it made a welcome change to see a pert pair of Thai buttocks running along just behind the leaders. I can’t remember this lady’s name, though I’d remember those tight, firm buns. Lord Weedy and Seamans Stains called for a recess to allow the German, French and British to check out the landscape, before moving on to the refreshment facilities provided by our Belgian hosts.
SB: It seems Fuki, the Belgian delegates had been very clever at pulling the wool over the eyes of the rest of the delegates. How did the Joint Presidents deal with this delicate situation ??
FN: By sheer force of character Slimey.
SB: Please go on.
FN: Well after we had been suitably refreshed and Mlle. Galore had topped up her vodka reserves, Seaman Stains called us to order, and we proceeded to the next stage of the meeting. Though there was some underhand manoeuvring done by the Belgians (one minor Belgian official, Mr. F. Frog, attempted to mislead the Presidential leadership into a false trail), Lord Weedy outsmarted their deftly woven intrigues, allowing Herr Bushman (backed up by Ms. No Meat) to lead us to the conclusion of this session. This had been a very useful fact finding tour of the local landscape. Lord Weedy later told me privately, that a number of the delegates had been caught in violation of the PBH3 Code Of Conduct.
SB: That sounds very serious Fuki.
FN: Yes Slimey it is, the Joint Presidency was quick to stamp out such mal-practices by awarding uncomfortable sentences upon the guilty. Sentencing involves the guilty party placing their posterior upon a block of ice. The severity of the sentence is measured by how much time is spent on the ice.
SB: Do their Excellencies have such powers ? Isn’t such power open to abuse?
FN: Certainly with lesser men than Lord Weed Eater and Mr. Seaman Stains, that might be a temptation. The sentences handed out here are mostly democratically decided. But I get ahead of my self. The evening session commenced with a feast supplied by Mr. F. Frog. Then a number of long service awards were formally handed out. The first of the miscreants, Charlie Manson, was universally voted public enemy No.1! The Belgians were frequently taken to task for their underhanded but clever trail design. Herr Bushman and Monsieur Lunchbox were similarly iced for their behaviour. The Norwegian Male Voice choir hitched their skirts up in order to entertain the delegates. His Eminence Festering Squid Jazzer held a mass.
SB: The PBH3 has a secular arm ??
FN: Oh yes, though guided by the Bush Masters, as Lord Weed Eater and Seaman Stains are formerly known. His Excrement, the very Reverent Jazzer, in his efforts to purge evil from the assembled dignitaries eventually lost the plot completely, collapsing in a sodden gibbering heap behind the beer truck – a truly awe-inspiring performance. The Bush Masters went on to punish those incorrectly dressed. There is a strict dress code at these events. Though strangely enough, the Norwegian ambassador, Mr. Oddjob, continued to mince around the gathering, making lewd suggestions and obvious rule 6 violations, AND GOT AWAY WITH IT !!
After just about everyone in the circle had been punished at some point, clearly demonstrating that the Bush Masters exhibit no favouritism at all. Mr Stains and Lord Weedy are truly an inspiration to us all.
SB: Fuki, that was a very colourful and honest description of your Ambassadorial experience. If your book is full of such stories, then I expect it to be a best seller. Ladies and Gentlemen, Mr Fuki Nell.
Applause.
Credits
|
