Run Report by:

Festering Streaker

20 willing primates hanging around at our home meet and drinking bar, the Thistle. All start to slope off at about 5 minuets to 12 to meet our shuttle bus the "Endeavour"  on the second road. At about 5 / 10 after 12  G.I. Joe started calling Bang Chang Mission Control , " what should we do, if it doesn't show ?" - Reply from Dizzy "i will sort it, "  and as if by magic, there it was !

The bus was fun, as the anticipation of a good day ahead started to grow, a few of us in the back, had ourselves pissing with laughter as we fooled Jello Butt into nearly tossing one of his shoes out the door ! all on the pretence that one had all ready fallen, off his seat, and out the door ! We all discussed whether we should we turn the bus around ( or not ) to recover the trainer, now hidden under R.S.B's arse, Speedy apologised to J.B. that he was not a better goal keeper, and had tried in vain to save the trainer.  V.V. said, "it was a shame, because the surviving shoe still had many k.m. left to run but was now all alone and useless."

This evil, but fun scheme got my arse in the bucket later.  Moral of the story : don't mess with the Founding Master ! The bus now in amphibious mode, floats across a flooded road, and that's with no rain for a few days ! V.V. nearly had an orgasm as it was apparent we were headed for the wet lands ! Rumpled Foreskin ( otherwise known as Wrinkled Forehead ), Frozen Bollocks and i, discussed the financial meltdown. We concluded that U.S.A. must stand for Unlimited Supply of Arseholes ! Sheik Me Me sorted them all out later on ice, also finding them guilty of opulent negligence.

On reaching the A site at about 1pm. we had group photos of the 23 now assembled hashers, a somewhat smaller number than last Octobers turnout. Frozen Bollocks from Jersey ! and Apache from Malaysia, were the only two virgin "in from the wild" hashers today. They were welcomed. Lord L. then gave a Ball Ringer length speech about how many times we may expect to see him and his truck about on the run, to expect some water and 20 checks.

Sweeping a "can't do, don't do run" wether by foot or truck was interpreted as a lack of confidence from this hare. It is a first, and i hope a last for the Monkey hash. It so transpired, that this particular bht bus, had no water on it or in it at all ! After about 90 minutes of run, that was welcomed ( not ) by all hashers as a great idea !

Dizzy, whom had set us off at 1.20pm. turned out to be our only saviour at the 105 minute, first half now concluded, water stop. Most of the checks were loaded into the early part of the run, cleverly keeping us in the shade. These were all solved, some faster than others, by the usual suspects ; G. I. Joe, Speedy, Sheik Me Me, Jello Butt, Fuck the Truth, Grey Hound and even Bog Brush, now famous for coining the term, " Neck Extension ! " that will obviously replace, " Blown a Fuse ! "

An excellent course so far, had led us through various terrain, mixing solids with fluids of various consistency in many sections. The strong core in the middle of the pack, consisted of, Bam Bam, Running Dick, Wanking, and Spag Head.  The rear end was the domain of the Mad Cow, R U Sure and Frozen Bollocks, all correctly punished later by Sheik Me Me. Catching the ( dry ) bhat bus to the water stop, were two offenders, S.B.S. and R.S.B. both having hared a Monkey !

However, a far larger crime that went unpunished ! was that of Rumpled Foreskin, he missed the starting gun, lock stock and smoking barrel ! R.U.Sure was M.I.A. ( missing in action ) and did not even make it to the baht bus stand, yet alone the water stop ! Did anybody care ? "What are we waiting for ?"  Bam Bam, rightly had R.U.S. assume his usual position in the circle later, that of the bucket.

Off we go now, on the promised shorter but harder second half. The hares did not porkie pie about this, ( can't do, don't do ) as we found out. We enjoyed some Everest hill work and the North face of the Iga, a serious vertical challenge.  G.I. Joe and I, wasted no time in demonstrating the military way, much to the horrified calls from Sheik Me Me and Jello Butt ; " That's  F....ing Dangerous !" and " Land Slide ! "

Not long past this obstacle, we all disappeared up our own arse's and circumnavigated the radioactive, luminous pea green pond in the wrong direction. Spag came to our rescue here and hashing with his head, solved for us, the way out. We were all truly clueless at this point.

The next check was the one that lost Spag Head,  ( at least he went off / out checking ! )  G.I. Joe. and I covered all other possibilities with  help from Bog Brush and Grey Hound.  No joy at all !  At last, Sheik Me Me yelled "On Up !"  We turned and yes, guess what ? another K 2 to go over ! About 60% of the pack were looking at their watches with all sorts of facial expressions after this call, nevertheless ( can't do, don't do ) won the day, and off up we went.

The very, very, excellent second part finished with Bog Brush and I, leading the pack across an Amazon sized river / bog / swamp, where Dizzy was firing away on high resolution, and the Lord was scribbling notes as is his leaning nowadays. On in to the C site in two more minutes, for a total time on trail of 3 hours ten minutes. All quality hard core hashing, the second half taking us 85 minutes.  Job well done to the hares ! and thanks too for all that shade.

After the chill out time and now 5.30pm.  Dizzy advises me we need to be leaving at 6.30pm. And so i start my last circle as G.M.  Hares are given the thumps up. Next, all hares that have hared over the last year were thanked and had their photo taken together.

In a senior miss management pre-sanctioned / approved decision, the Monkey Mantle was passed to not one, but two new Joint Masters, who in a display of adult, zero egotistical valour, have chosen to share this responsibility.

Only Lord Lucan, apparently none the wiser, stood there, jaw wide open in amazement. He was undoubtedly pondering this new dilemma, "How can i possibly give Celestial Guidance to these two new capable G.M's, neither of which live in my city ?" 

Slowly, a smile replaced his confused expression, as he figured he would simply just continue to print political propaganda under a pseudo name of Romeo's Response. Dear Lord, the Joint Master system works well on all other hashes, so why not the Monkey ? Where, by the way, was Joint G.M. of the Jungle today ? Good old Hobbit, was possibly out making the trail for the next months Saturday Bush Hash.

Lets all hope the Monkey may return now, to a sensible number of meetings, some hashers have questioned me "how is it, the Monkey has three times as many meetings as it has runs in a year ?"  Pass, next question... "How is it that some hashes do not have any meetings at all ?"  Pass, next question....

A look of horror then hit the Lords face, when our two new Joint Chiefs Of Staff, suggested their joint term be two years. All else thought that perfectly o.k. after all, there is two of them.

Bam Bam passes out two awards to R.U.Sure and Monkey hero Speedy for hitting the 12 runs required. Bam B. then tells us a John Wayne branded toilet paper joke about not taking any shit from any Indian ! Of course he has Apache on the ice during this and most of us are off our stools backward on the deck !

Further top class entertainment from Sheik Me Me and Jello Butt has many in tears. However, due to limited lighting and time, we had to miss out on what R.S.B. and F.The Truth had in store for us. Also, there was no time for the nappies, a Monkey tradition started by G.I.Joe, and sorely missed.

We boarded the shuttle at about 7pm. with much beer remaining in the coolers, ( hope this saved the hares budget a few bht ). In any event, the left overs could be used up on the Jungle the next day, all ready pre chilled in Monkey ice, a helping hand in a reduced ice bill for the Jungle.

During the journey back to Pattaya, cries of "Festering Streaker, where are we going ?" were abundant. I did in fact, know where we were going, and so I passed a business card with map printed on the reverse up to the front. Still not enough information apparently, so I shout out " just head for the Crockodile Farm !"

New cries of " which way do we go ? "  My response was to ask  "does anyone know where we are ?"  "No" was the unanimous reply. We stopped the bus and stared out  the windows into the night, guess what ? One dark tapioca field, looks much like another ! Where was Rusty Ring Hole and his state of the art G.P.S. when we need him ? Anyhow the driver finally understood the words Maprachan reservoir, and we started to roll again. We stopped twice more, once for fuel, and once for beer, kindly sponsored by Rear Gunner, that fine Australian gent. Most, had not bothered with more than their open stubby, as most thought we would be headed to a Bang Chang venue. Clever hares, must have saved a few bht there too.

The Black Pearl 2.... Wow ! what a great venue Dizzy, well done mate !  We all agreed the food was excellent and plentiful, enough to feed a hungry 45, at least. The other fair, there to meet us, was XXX (triple X) too, and can be referred to as mermaids hereinafter, diving for pearls (coins) for our delight. Most real men took the plunge too. Even R.U.Sure on the end of my and Me Me's two foots went in head first !

Most real men, attended the venue save five or six, who for health, work, or other reasons chose to remain on the bus. Perhaps, fear of being abandoned by their shuttle in the far off outer universe, was the course or concern for some ?  They need not have worried about being stranded, as V.V. another hero, organised a luxury brand new Mini bus back into town.  Had there been 10 guys instead of 4, would have cost a whole 30bht each ! Good job V.V.

Our thanks to Heme, our German host, and thanks again to the hares for a great day. 
ON ON  the Monkey forever !.......  Festering Streaker