A few years ago, a tatty, stained and slightly smelly document was been pushed under the webmaster’s door.  It is scribbled on several sheets of those irritating little bits of pink tissue you still get in insalubrious restaurants, and which are woefully inadequate to collect the snot generated by a seriously volcanic yam makua yao.

We reproduce it in its eccentric entirety.  Who are these people under the stairs?  How did their logo get onto the breast pocket of the Hash Ball and numerous other t-shirts?  Little is known for certain about the Banglamung BottomFeeders, except their dedication to the overthrow of the modest, cheap and unassuming Nonthaburi Hash.  They operate stealthily and clandestinely.  They are rumoured to have assisted in the setting of several more tortuous Bangkok & Pattaya runs, and even to have provided entertainment at Circles & OnOnOns.

They have infiltrated the ranks of those closest to us.  Indeed I have it on the authority of my number one maid that BFH3’s next sortie may well occur within the month.

The mysterious missive follows:

A Declaration Of War By The Banglamung BottomFeeders Hash

Gentlemen (and others) of The Hash,

Put your hand up anyone…we’ll rephrase that…Acknowledge if you dare your unity in our crusade against The Great Satan, the nefarious Nonthaburi Hash, whose pusillanimous conservatism and chauvinism we abjure and refute absolutely.

We, the Banglamung BottomFeeders hereby claim and annexe NH3’s Run #2 which it was thinking of disowning anyway because it cannot bear the thought of having once run with Cracks.  This will henceforth be recorded as BBFH3’s Run #6.28318 which occurred prior to Run #3.14159 but who gives a toss.  Banglamung is our West Bank and we shall defend it with our lives until Monday.  (Some mistake surely? Ed.)

We demand publication of the tenets of our creed in your otherwise flaccid organ.

Et 1: We shall not be cowed, bulled, felched or otherwise brutalised.

Et 2: We are open to all whether they be members of the Rotary Club, Mothers Against Drunk Driving or the Stockholm Chapter of Hell’s Angels.

Et 3: We don't mind whether you have a penis, a vagina, both or neither. You can have a bloody ovipositor for all we care.

Et 4: You can be black, brown, red, blue, green, orange, pink, yellow or mauve. (You don’t even have to be a Smartie). You can be Caucasian, Tibetan, Martian, Welsh well, perhaps not Welsh.

Et 5: Our Hares are almighty. Theirs is the run, theirs is the circle, theirs are the laurels and hardies.

Et 6: All our Hares are live. Obviously.

Et 7: If the Hares want ice, English beer, medieval instruments of torture or anything else unpopular, then so be it.

Et 8: All our runs shall be counted in multiples of Pi, but we shall only operate to five places of decimals.

Et 9: We are a f******* sight better than NH3, as witnessed by the greater number of sex workers in Banglamung than Nonthaburi. Indeed, there are more known sex workers from Banglamung than any other amphoe in Thailand. Fact!

Et 10: Er, that's's it

From the depths of the gene pool,

The Banglamung BottomFeeders Hash